


If I Just Let Go, I'd Be Set Free

by Robron101



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pain, alternative happing ending, ambiguous - Freeform, letting go, saying goodybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-12 02:46:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12949638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robron101/pseuds/Robron101
Summary: “With that being said,” Robert begins, refusing to let himself be hopeful. He can feel the pressure behind his eyes building and his voice comes out gravelly with each next spoken word. “Is there any chance… that you see… a future for me and you, together?”Aaron wraps his other hand around the two Robert’s got on him already and shakes his head, tears flowing painfully free and he chokes out, “No.”****When Robert wakes alone in hospital, he reevaluates his life and the decisions he's made, coming to conclusions about his son and Aaron.





	If I Just Let Go, I'd Be Set Free

**Author's Note:**

> Kinda ambiguous because i don't go into any detail about what Robert dreams when he's in hospital and I don't mention Alex - because reason that are obvious - and I don't go into details about Robert's son. (Writing that kills me) I just focus on Robert and Aaron, how it should be.
> 
> Also, Rebecca's little appearance is solely for plot purposes, she doesn't matter in the slightest to me or my story.

Robert awakens alone in the hospital, ghosts of his dreams dancing in his head and instilling fear in his heart. When he calms, realising where he is and what has happened after being treated by a doctor, he begins to reflect on what he dreamed about. 

In the end, when he’s done reflecting, it all comes down to two things. His son, first and foremost, will be his number one priority. All plans of revenge or whatever it was he was doing will be left in the past. He’ll forgive the Whites of their transgressions for his son and their future. Robert realises now that the Whites are Sebastian's family and Robert never wants to take away any chance of Seb knowing his family. Of course, that’s only capable if Rebecca comes home and gives him a chance, he’ll plead on bended knees if it pleases her. 

Secondly, it doesn’t surprise Robert in the slightest that it all comes back to Aaron. 

Aaron. 

His love, life, soulmate or whatever other soppy thing he can think to call Aaron Dingle, it’s it. 

Whatever it is, Robert now knows he has two options. Fight or let go, but what he also now knows is that it isn’t his decision. He gave up that right when he broke Aaron’s heart. So when he asks the doctor if he’s had any visitors, and they tell him an Aaron Dingle had been by Robert asks if he’s still around. 

Luckily - and surprisingly - he is. 

Aaron looks tired, like he’s been through an emotional wringer the same as Robert has. Robert winces, remembering their last encounter and how foolish he had been and how badly he’d upset Aaron. He’s so ashamed of himself he almost can’t force himself to meet Aaron’s eyes. 

“Surprised you’re here,” Robert admits as Aaron stands by the door. It looks like the younger man is looking for a much needed escape if this conversation calls for one. Robert can’t blame him. 

It’s well confusing seeing Aaron standing here after all Robert dreamt of. This is, however, the real Aaron; the one he loves, the one who’s loved him, fought him, beat him, won him, would’ve drowned in that lake with Robert’s name on his lips and with love in his heart. This is his Aaron, and Robert wouldn’t trade him for any of the one’s he dreamed of in his coma state. 

“I was on your contact sheet as next of kin, they called me when you were brought in.” Robert nods, remembering that he had that changed when him and Aaron got engaged and he’d been at hospital whilst Aaron was recovering. A part of him warms that Aaron cared enough to come even after the way he’d acted last. 

“Thank you,” he says and means it. “Please, will you sit?” 

Aaron’s still, watching Robert cautiously before nodding and moving over to one of the chairs, even going as far to pull it closer to Robert’s bed so he’s right at the edge. “So, you’ll make a full recovery I heard.” 

“Physically at least,” Robert shrugs, not caring about that right now. “I want - I need you to - I just want-” 

“Spit it out,” Aaron said tiredly, dropping his head to hide his face. “whatever it is you’re gonna say.” 

Robert understands Aaron has little patience for him and isn’t worked up about it. After all Robert keeps making Aaron’s life harder than it needs to be. He just can’t seem to stop himself from hurting the man he loves. 

“I always get it wrong with you,” Robert confesses sadly. Aaron looks up at that, surprise clear on his face. “You were the one person I never wanted to get it wrong with. I love you, I lose you, I get you back and I screw it all up. It always comes full circle for us, doesn’t it?” 

“Maybe it’s a sign?” Aaron suggests. 

“Maybe,” Robert agrees, “but I’m not much one for believing in signs.” _Until now_ , Robert adds as an afterthought. Because whatever coma, drunken, over stressed induced dreams he had, if Robert chooses to ignore that then he’ll always be the one to come full circle again and again. Everyone will move on, live their own lives whilst Robert continues to live in the past being bitter and alone. He’s seen what that’s like and he does _not_ want it. 

“You’re gonna be okay, Robert,” Aaron finally said after the silence drags on. “You’ll figure it all out and things will get better.” 

“I hope so,” and even Aaron can hear how hopeful Robert sounds. “But first there’s a few things I need to say to you.” 

Robert can see Aaron’s guard go up, that stupid wall Robert spent months trying to break down only to succeed in doing so and then causing Aaron to build it all up again just to keep Robert out. Robert holds out his hand in gesture, watching Aaron as the younger man cautiously judges it before sighing and taking the offered hand. Robert wraps it up in both of his, holding tight. 

“I am so sorry,” Robert breathes the apology out like air. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to you.” 

“It’s in the past,” Aaron shrugs but Robert can hear the pain in his voice. “Rebecca, our relationship; it’s the past.” 

“No,” Robert shakes his head, “I mean, _everything_. Every time I ever hurt you, blamed you, used or abused you. Every time I took and never gave back and ran you around. Every hurtful thing I’ve said that just ripped your heart to pieces, every single unforgiving lie I’ve ever told you. God, I am so fucking sorry.” He chokes out the last bit, eyes misting over as he finds it in himself to give that much, to give Aaron that apology he’s never really given outright. He tried using gifts and sex and being there, but never has he given an outright apology. It’s well overdue. 

Aaron’s brow was creased, his own eyes glossy. “Robert, I know you're sorry for all that, you don’t have to tell me.” 

“No,” Robert disagrees. “I do. I need to say it because I’ve let it go on too long. Me not being sorry for all the pain I cause people and the horrible things I do. I want to be sorry.” 

“Well,” Aaron says thickly, “I accept your apology.” He gives Robert a watery smile, wiping at his eyes before any tears can fall and Robert feels a lump rise in his throat. 

“With that being said,” Robert begins, refusing to let himself be hopeful. He can feel the pressure behind his eyes building and his voice comes out gravelly with each next spoken word. “Is there any chance… that you see… a future for me and you, together?” 

****

Aaron freezes, the only sign he’s still there is the warmth of Robert’s hands around his own. He hadn’t been expecting that question. They’ve been over it so many times, Aaron’s told him countless times that they were over and there would never be a “them” again. Still, he can’t help but imagine it. 

A future with Robert, one filled with love and forgotten bad memories. A home shared together and the happy family Aaron’s secretly always wanted. Childrens laughter and someone to call them daddy. A life shared in happiness instead of bitter anger and regret. He pictures himself coming home to Robert, their children, whatever kind of life they’ve built for themselves. Long nights spent together, curled up under a duvet to sleep soundly only to be awakened by children. Slow, passionate nights, quick energetic shags, sweet tender moments all wrapped up with the knowledge they’ll get to grow old together. 

And that image comes to Aaron, both of them gray and withered, children gone off to start their own families to leave him and Robert to themselves. To spend their last days together after living a full, wonderful life until it’s over. 

Aaron’s crying, but smiling at Robert through his tears because he wants so bad. He wants that life, always has and still does. He opens his mouth, unsure of what will come out when something catches his eye, a flash of yellow in his peripheral. 

He turns and sees _her_. 

All those fantasies of a life with Robert crash and burn, turning to ash before his very eyes when he catches sight of Rebecca standing outside of Robert’s room, looking in at them through the window, holding Robert’s and hers son in her arms. 

He turns back to Robert, choking on the ash of his fantasies - because in the end, they’re just what they are: fantasies. 

Aaron wraps his other hand around the two Robert’s got on him already and shakes his head, tears flowing painfully free and he chokes out, “No.” 

Robert drops his head, his shoulders shaking as he makes no sound, but when he lifts his head tears stream down his cheeks and he nods his head. Aaron breaks at that, seeing Robert cry so openly. He can’t take his answer back though, it would only be a lie if he did. 

“Alright,” Robert gasps out, taking a deep breath after to try and calm himself. His voice is garbled, hard sounding from the tears and sadness. Aaron grits his teeth and bares it. “Then, I’m going to make you a promise. From here on out, I promise you, Aaron that I will let you go.” 

“What?” Aaron gasps, not understanding. 

“I’m going to let you go,” Robert said again. “I’m not going to stick around and interfere in your life anymore, hurt you or force you to deal with my problems. I’m going to let you live your life away from me, and just… let you go.” 

“You don’t-” Aaron begins, but stops himself because maybe it isn’t he who needs this, but Robert. Maybe Robert will always be miserable pining after Aaron as Aaron is watching Robert pine. “Alright,” Aaron whispers out. 

“I love you,” Robert throws out so casually it hurts. His hands are painfully tight around Aaron’s but it’s okay because Aaron is holding back just as tightly. They’re both trembling with the effort. “I always will I think, but I’m going to try and stop. I make no promises about that, though.” 

“I really hope,” Aaron begins, sounding just a broken as Robert. Why does it hurt so much? “I really hope,” he beings again, “that you find whatever is going to make you happy in this life, Robert.” 

“I think I may have,” Robert admits and looks over towards the window, but Rebecca and Seb are gone. “That’s if I haven’t completely ruined that as well. My son, he means the world to me.” 

“I know,” Aaron nods. “You’ll figure it out.” It gives Robert hope that Aaron still has so much faith in him. 

“Thank you,” Robert said, because he owes that to Aaron as well. “For everything.” 

Aaron smiles, pulls Robert’s hands closer and presses a kiss to them. “I should go,” he said after a moment. “Liv’s probably really upset I left her on Christmas day.” 

“Okay,” Robert said. Aaron lets go of Robert’s hand and Robert let’s go of Aaron. It takes a moment and Aaron is almost out of the room when Robert calls him back. Aaron finds Robert staring down at his wedding ring, it standing out against Robert’s pale skin. 

“Here,” Robert goes to take it off. Aaron lurches forward, planning on stopping him but instead he lets Robert take the ring off. “Take it,” Robert holds it out to him. 

“I can’t,” Aaron shakes his head. “It’s yours.” 

“And I have yours,” Robert thrusts the ring out to Aaron. “Please. If you don’t take it, I’ll just put it back on and I can’t keep seeing it everyday. I’ll never let go then.” 

Aaron takes the ring, it’s warm in his hand where he curls a fist around it. “I’ll keep it,” Aaron promises, and he’s not even sure why. The smart thing to do would be to throw it out, sell it, turn it into scrap metal but he can’t, just as Robert will never do that with his. 

“If you want,” Robert murmurs. 

Aaron turns to leave again, making it to the door once more when he turns back around. “Fuck it,” he grumbles and rushes at Robert, grabbing him by the shoulders. “One last time.” He kisses Robert. 

A kiss for all the kisses they’ve ever shared, a kiss for the kisses they’ll never have. A first kiss, a last kiss, a kiss to go on forever and ever even though they won’t. A kiss to say hello and a kiss to say goodbye. 

Robert has his hands tangled in Aaron’s hair by the end of it, Aaron digging fingers so hard into Robert’s shoulders they’ll be bruises. It’s painful, but good. Salty from mingled tears and wistful from the love they share but will be left untouched and forgotten. It's soft and tender by the end, barely a wisp of lips touching when Aaron finally pulls away. He pushes Robert’s disheveled hair back and presses a kiss to his forehead before saying clearly, “Goodbye, Robert.” 

This time he leaves, only barely catching Robert’s, “Goodbye, Aaron.” 

 

****

(A happy little epilogue, because that was painful to write.) 

Six months later

 

 

“You ready to marry me?” Aaron teases, reaching out for his soon to be again husband. It’s a mouthful and he’ll be glad when he can just call Robert his husband again. Legally this time. 

“I don’t know,” Robert fakes being unsure, “I’m not sure if you’re ready to handle all of this,” he gestures at himself making Aaron snort. 

“Face it, I’m the only one who can handle all that.” 

Robert opens his mouth to disagree when he realises, yeah, Aaron is right. Not that he’d ever admit that. Instead he rolls his eyes and pulls Aaron against his body. “I’m ready to marry you, Aaron Dingle.” 

“Good,” Aaron smirks. “Oh, I have something for you.” 

“Now? Can’t even wait ‘til tonight?” Aaron rolls his eyes and slips his hand into the pocket of his trousers, pulling out a ring. 

“I know we got new ones but I thought you might want this,” he held it out for Robert to take and Robert does, taking great care as he does so. Robert begins to laugh. “What?” Aaron asks annoyedly, suddenly feeling stupid. 

“Nothing,” Robert gasps out, “it’s just… we’re both soft sentimental saps because,” and Robert pulls out Aaron’s old ring from his trouser pocket. “I was going to give you this during my vows.” 

Aaron’s face goes soft, gently taking the ring from Robert and putting it on. Still a perfect fit. “You know what this means?” Aaron asks.

“We’re meant to be?” Aaron’s snorts and shoves Robert lightly. 

“No. It means out of the two of us you’re more soppy than I am. You wrote this into your vows, could you be any more soft?” 

“Shut up,” Robert laughs and rolls his eyes, even knowing Aaron might be right about that. Robert grabs him by his jacket and hauls him forward, kissing him deeply. 

“It’s time,” Aaron says when they break apart. “Last chance to get away.” 

“I’m saving that for after the honeymoon,” Robert teases. Aaron glares playfully and pinches his side. “Nah, I’d never do a runner on you. We’re for life.” 

“Don’t remind me or I’ll be doin’ the runnin’,” Robert rolls his eyes but kisses Aaron again. “Let's go,” Aaron said when they broke apart, enthusiasm creeping in. Maybe impatience becauses he’s already had to wait so long to marry Robert. 

If you’d asked Robert six months ago what his future would be like, he never would have given the answer, “Marrying Aaron Dingle,” but, oh god, is he glad his future changed for the better.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you liked it. :)


End file.
